birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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