i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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