i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Who died my cat blue again?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
