Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
