I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
