I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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