He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
