since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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