Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
the liver wants what the liver wants
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
