Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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