if you like me you must not know who I am
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
God, I missed his penis.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
