The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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