Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
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You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
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Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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