I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
