I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
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I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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