Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
