I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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