and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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