My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
