not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It's official drugs can't kill me
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
