Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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