I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
