Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
