I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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