Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
