quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
