gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
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Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
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I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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