i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
