Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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