Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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