Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
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i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
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Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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