Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i love accidental penises.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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