Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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