Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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