i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
