Four minutes until I can fart!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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