we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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