woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
