Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
