plz talk dirty to me
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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