just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
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And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
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A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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