you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
