I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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