u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
