So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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