it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Randomize
