I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
