Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
