phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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