did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
