After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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