I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm like, not good at living.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
