FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
