Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You did what with his pubic hair?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
