Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
