Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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