So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
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