so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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