apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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