Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
