Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
